Reflections

Recently an old friend from college sent me a pic of us from graduation day, in a gesture of nostalgic celebration. I found it very touching, as I tend to be the sentimental type. It sent me on a long journey of self reflection, which ended with a deep sense of gratitude for how much I have grown, despite all the challenges I faced.

I was an optimistic social work student, wholly steeped in activism and nonprofit work in my city. I fully believed in the power of policy and government to fix things, and as a social worker, thought of myself as an agent of change in service to the goals of public policy. Toward the end of my studies, and most certainly on the day that picture was taken, my faith in governmental change had begun to wane, and my spirit showed signs of burn out; all before I actually entered the workforce as a fully fledged BSW. You see, the weight of reality had begun wearing on me, such that I felt a physical heaviness in my body each time I would leave a lecture about poverty statistics or race-based health outcomes. I would then go on to witness these statistics come to life right before my eyes at the homeless youth shelter I worked at. It was truly heart-breaking. Far too much for my naive and deeply sensitive 22yr old self to carry. I simply did not have the bandwidth to navigate the complex truths one experiences in this line of work, and the difficult emotions that inevitably accompany them. I was no longer sure that this type of work would be beneficial to the common good, or that I was actually affecting any change. Seeing those statistic come to life in front of me, I felt like a cog in a broken machine, a feeling I was so sure I had avoided by choosing to work in the nonprofit sector over the corporate sector. This was also a devastating realization. Eventually, with the passage of time I gained more clarity and was able to apply  a more nuanced approach to the individual role of social change agent in a society that has systemically oppressed half the population since its inception. And of course with age I learned more about my own needs and natural strengths and desired traits in a career. All of this has led me to where I am today, proudly managing the cafe of a business I love and truly believe in, pouring my soul into a passion project alongside a platonic soul-mate that is equally as passionate and she is restless about social justice as I am, and married to a man pursuing an MBA because he understands that where there is power, there is opportunity for long-lasting change. That naive little 22 year-old in the photo could never have predicted I would be where I am today at 29, but I am so glad to be here and am infinitely grateful for the journey that led me here.